I write this from personal experience. I started my BDSM journey as a submissive. And I know what it's like.
I especially know that as a submissive man, the road can be painfully lonely. Finding a match is hard. Understanding your own desires—truly understanding them—can be even harder. Uncovering that submissive part of yourself, alone, with no guide and no framework, might be one of the most vulnerable things you will ever do.
But there are techniques that can help. The ones that helped me, turned my life around, and unexpectedly led me to explore the dominant side of myself.
Back then, I was already quite an experienced sub. I knew what I wanted to try, the different flavors of submission that called to me. But finding a partner was still difficult. Honestly? That experience of trying to match wounded me deeply. I poured my creativity, my soul, and my absolute honesty into interactions with tops, and still I could not get what I needed.
A few ideas saved me. They made me a better submissive, a happier person, and eventually, a mistress.
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If you want something, don't wait for someone else to order it.
So many BDSM experiences can be received solo. Self-ties. Demanding position holds. Especially using timed locks—they are merciless teachers, and they are available to you right now. Stop waiting. Start doing. -
Find an inner support figure.
Tying yourself up alone can leave you feeling even lonelier than before. Tend to that. Aftercare yourself. Be kind to yourself, admit the pain and sadness, and perhaps once you have put it into words, open up to a friend. That can be a healing experience in itself. -
Self-discipline.
This is perhaps the most important thing. If you want to be a slave, start by treating yourself as one. Don't allow yourself to slip. Stick to your routines. Learn the basics of protocol play, the slave positions. Set a timer and work on your posture, your endurance. Praise yourself for success. Start a BDSM diary where you set tasks and track completion. Punish yourself for breaking the routines, and genuinely praise yourself when you follow through.
But remember: do not push too hard. Learn that failure is not a catastrophe—it's just a signal that something needs adjusting. Accept that your abilities have limits, and learn them intimately. This is how you discover the difference between fantasy and reality. Both are valid, by the way. I have some genuinely crazy fantasies, and I am completely at peace with the fact that some of them cannot be realized in real life. Others, well, I can play around mixing them into reality. -
BDSM is the art of tying fantasy and reality together.
Learn to fantasize deliberately. Dream of your submission. Build your perfect scene in your mind. What attracts you? What are the actual feelings you are chasing through these experiences? Get specific. The clearer your inner world becomes, the more real it will feel—and the easier it will be to share with someone else. -
Once you have done all of this, don't be shy about approaching people.
When you can communicate your fantasy clearly, when you are polite, self-aware, and actively creating the conditions for it to be fulfilled—someone will want to do it with you. I promise.
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Serve a bigger purpose.
Think deeply about your desire to submit. Is it about giving up responsibility? Feeling safe? Or is it a genuine wish to make the lives of those you love better? Be honest with yourself, and don't try to hide one motivation inside another. But if what you truly wish for is service in its purest form, know that there are many ways to practice it that don't look like conventional BDSM dynamics. There are small acts of kindness and devotion available every single day. Find your inner happiness in doing them.
I know this may sound a bit... religious. Immerse yourself in that cult of serving the Goddess Lilly—cruel but merciful, patroness of sinners.
This journey, the one I just described, can be hard. I know how lonely it gets. How easy it is to lose direction. That's exactly why I am willing to take and educate a few submissives. Not to fix you, but to guide you through the same process that rebuilt me.